Relationship

6 steps to help bread-holding moms get discouraged over divorce

When the question of “Should I stay or should I go?” weighs heavily on the minds of supporting mothers, how should you decide whether divorce is right for you and your situation?

I am an earning divorced mother, but I am not a therapist or counselor. As I struggled with the dilemma of divorce or not over the course of my 20-year marriage, I looked to self-help books, marriage counselors, therapists, friends, and spiritual counselors for answers. This article offers six tips to help you gain clarity on the decision to divorce or stay.

# 1. If the relationship doesn’t work for both of you, it doesn’t work. As an earning mother, you are probably used to solving problems and are likely to do whatever you can to keep your husband and children happy, perhaps at the expense of your own needs. Stop trying to make everyone else happy at your expense, especially your husband. You also deserve to be happy. If not, the marriage is not working. This does not mean that you should rush out and get a divorce, but it does suggest a need for a change.

# 2. Look at your own growth first. The temptation when a marriage doesn’t work out is for one of the couples (usually the wife) to push for marriage counseling or other ways of working to fix the marriage. But unless you, the breadwinner, are happy as an individual, it will be very difficult, if not impossible, to have a happy marriage. Unless you or the children are being abused, there is no rush to get divorced. It’s worth a little time to understand how you got to where you are in your marriage relationship so that you can avoid repeating the pattern in the future.

# 3. Invite your Higher Power into marriage. If you and your husband are working to make the marriage work, it is a positive sign. If you are seeing a marriage counselor or therapist, continue to do so as long as you find it helpful. By inviting God, the Spirit, your Higher Power, the Divine, whatever name works for you, into your marriage, you open the channel to the best decision for your highest good, be it staying together or getting divorced.

# 4. Try everything you can, until you’ve tried everything. If you’re like most sustaining mothers, it’s hard to admit defeat. If there is a problem to solve, he will address it. So do your best in your marriage. It could help and the marriage will improve. If not, you won’t have to look back and wish you had tried one more thing. You will know when you have reached the point of giving up.

# 5. Don’t force a solution. There is no timetable for divorce and there is no need to push for a decision if you are not feeling well (unless you or your children are in danger, in which case, get out immediately). Open yourself to Divine guidance and trust that the answers will come when the time is right.

# 6. Take small steps toward clarity. If you are caught in indecision, take small steps. For example, if you think divorce might be the right answer for you, consult an attorney about the first steps in the process. Open your own bank account and reserve some money in your name. See how you feel about these little steps and use them as feedback for your next steps.

The book Too good to leave, too bad to stay: a step-by-step guide to help you decide whether to stay or leave your relationship Mira Kirshenbaum’s is a step-by-step guide to clarity. This is one of the most helpful ways to assess your relationship if you need a deeper look at your marriage. Above all, trust yourself.

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