As a counselor, I see many clients who are concerned about intimacy and sex. Romance books are a beautiful escape from reality and can help reduce the stress of daily frustrations. And you can even learn some tricks to improve your relationship. The danger arises if you start to believe in fantasy, compare your real life partner with a fictional character, and feel dissatisfied and dissatisfied. One of the attractive things about romantic heroes is that they do all the work, but in a real-life relationship with a real man, you probably have to get on the ball and let him know what you want.
Our culture is saturated with unrealistic representations of love, relationships, and family. From celebrity debacles to overblown movie romances, as well as wildly exaggerated portrayals and expectations of beauty, romance, and sex, the media bombards us with images and ideas that are the exact opposite of what works in marriage. Look around at the “beautiful people”: how long do their marriages last, and how happy do they really seem?
When people’s expectations of what marriage entails are exaggerated, they feel disappointed and discouraged. Successfully married couples have a more realistic idea that marriage will not be ideal, and partnership and love for each other are things you need to work on, build over several years. If you love and care about each other, you have a better chance of success in your relationship.
Most couples who come to my counseling practice due to relationship problems report that their marriage lost romance long ago. It’s easy to feel romantic when you’re living apart and dating, because every moment you spend together is special. From the moment you start living together, those romantic moments are no longer automatic. Instead, much of their time together is spent on more mundane things: doing laundry, doing the dishes, paying the bills, or going to work. Although this may be new, exciting, and fun at first, as soon as the initial novelty of living together wears off, everyday things stop feeling exciting and romantic, and you may feel worried that your partner doesn’t care as much or is so excited to be with you.
creating intimacy
Pleasurable sex is an important part of married life, helping to create a strong bond that is the most reliable way to safeguard your connection. Fights occur more often in marriages where intimacy and bonding are broken. Intimacy is the art of making your partner feel understood and accepted. When this feeling is created, the barriers fall. Gentle touch, eye contact, a gentle sense of humor, and the right words set the mood. Commenting positively on your partner’s appearance or the day’s activities will also help. To reconnect, make sure you listen to yourself and understand your partner’s needs and wants. The most powerful thing you can do to keep a marriage strong is to form a partnership, a team, where both parties feel respected, loved, and needed. If you really want to restore your marriage, don’t start by complaining about your needs that aren’t being met, but instead focus on your spouse’s needs. Once your good connection is restored, you can start troubleshooting.
Here are some ways to regain intimacy:
Guidelines for increasing intimacy
• Make recreation, play and fun a priority. Put more energy into making your partner laugh, and you’ll find that a playful approach will motivate both you and your spouse to want to be close. Pleasure, humor, leisure activities, and silliness are ways we recharge, renew our energy, restore our hope and positive outlook, and connect with each other. Don’t let too much of your time be taken up by TV, email, computer games, or other unimportant people.
• Don’t let your expectations get out of line. Fun and intimacy don’t depend on spending money or going to extremes; they don’t depend on a particular setting or activity, and they don’t have to take a long time. Enjoyment is an internal process. They can be sitting nearby and talking about interesting or pleasant things, working together in their garden, playing with the children or the dog, or putting together a puzzle. Singing, dancing, playing a sport or a board game may be what you need to feel close. Through play, we reconnect with our hearts, with our child selves, and with the intuitive and spontaneous responses that lead to sexual connections.
Yes, you can create intimacy on special occasions, something that requires a little advance planning; But when you look back on your most intimate experiences, they are more likely to have been spontaneous and simple rather than elaborate and expensive.
• Don’t focus unrealistically on appearances. Growing old together means that we will eventually show our age. Focus on how you feel about your partner, not on baldness, weight problems, or lack of ability to perform. You can happily have sex with each other to the dot, if you learn to accept the changes that come with age. They may not be beautiful anymore, but they can have a lot more love, sex, and fun than they do if they are comfortable with their inevitable changes. Don’t let our youth-obsessed culture rob you of the pleasures you can still have.
• Develop “signs” that work. A special light in the bedroom (when it’s on, at least one of you is interested) bringing home flowers, getting dressed, some particular touch or phrase.
• Take care that your desire for privacy is always a request and not a demand; the difference is that a request can take “no” for an answer. A demand is oppressive; a request is complementary. Lawsuits separate you; requests invite the other person to come closer.
• Once you’ve established some transitions that work, try some surprises. A surprise means you haven’t consulted, so with all surprises, give your partner time to respond and be prepared to change details if necessary. You could shower, perfume, and dress in something you know your partner will like when they get home from work and make your move. Watch your partner’s response and be prepared to back down if you’ve chosen a bad time. Your sense of humor works well here. When they work well, surprises can add some excitement and energy to your sexual relationship; but only if it is done infrequently.
• Make reservations at a romantic venue and give them to your lover in a sexy or romantic card over a quiet dinner. Because it’s a surprise, build some flexibility into the plan and make sure the plans feel good for your partner, not just you. That is, if you like to play golf and you want romance, choose a romantic place with a golf course nearby. If she likes the sea and you like to watch sports on TV, choose a hotel by the sea with a sports bar. During the getaway, share activities as much as possible.
• Sex is a physical form of communication and, like any other communication, it takes some time. Give yourself some transition time before you become sexual. Don’t expect to be able to jump into bed and “do it.” Allow time for quiet conversation, sensual contact, etc. A “quickie” can be a lot of fun, but the fun wears off if it becomes your only option.
• For most of us (especially most women), “romance” is important to some degree in fostering a sexual mood. The relaxed waiting that produces the appropriate music, dim lights and sweet words create an ideal atmosphere for intimacy, which leads to verbal and physical affection. Keep in mind that what feels romantic or sexy is different for men and women, so include clues that work for both. Many couples find that watching erotic or romantic movies helps set the mood.
• Intimacy is only possible when there is also enough personal space. Leave some distance, regularly. “How am I going to miss you if you don’t go?” is a humorous way of saying it. They need some separate activities, friends, and interests to keep their desire for each other fresh. It’s great for your relationship when you have something interesting to tell your spouse when you get home.
• When you’re married and living together, it’s all too easy to let romance pass you by. Don’t forget to bring home flowers, send cards, create or buy fun little gifts for others. Write poetry, silly notes or songs, cut out a cartoon from a magazine, or just talk about the positive things you feel. Take a few more minutes to set a scene when you spend some quiet time together, set the table a little better when you’re home alone for dinner. If you know your spouse finds an aspect of a movie sexy or romantic, imitate it: bring your wife the same kind of flowers, or show up in the bedroom in a similar outfit to the one her husband admired in the lead actress. If the romantic couple in the movie takes a long, romantic walk in the woods, try walking together in a local park.
• Revisit memories of your first days together. Visit places that mean something to you: the restaurant where you had your first date, the park where you met, the romantic hideaway where you camped out. Play your favorite love songs; rent an old romantic movie and eat popcorn; do a crossword; go play golf; cook your favorite meals together. Reliving your first dates can rekindle early feelings.
Mutual trust creates romance
Culturally, women have more permission for romance than men, but it has been said many times that men are the real romantics. Many romantic poems, song lyrics, movies, and plays are written by men. Don’t worry about your “image”; be willing to risk feeling a little silly from time to time. It is a great tonic for your relationship. Men, the greatest reward for you is more and better sex. Woman, your reward is to feel loved and desired. Both of you will have a great time, and you will enjoy it.
