I was recently enjoying a summer afternoon alone, happy in my solitude reading a book “Sexual Intimacy for Women: A Guide for Same-Sex Couples. “It was in my happiness that I learned that lesbians are much more likely than any gay or heterosexual relationship to go years without sex. I was not happy or very relaxed. I did not know that statistically when lesbians say they have not had sex in a time with your partner, it could mean years!
This is such a sad fact. Now I will be the first to admit that sex is really important to me, perhaps making myself superficial in that regard. I just couldn’t imagine being with someone I love and not feeling their bare skin pressed against mine, smelling it while feeling the other’s warmth.
Now, of course, there are some exceptions, in which sexual intimacy is interrupted by physical illness or emotional difficulties. Those situations are understandable, but this statistic does not include people struggling with physical or emotional issues, your two healthy people who have stopped having sex. After the first year, and all the chemistry that fosters passion and attraction stabilizes, it is common to find differences in the level of desire and needs, high desire vs. low desire individuals.
I’ve been judged in the past for putting too much emphasis on sex, that my expectations have been too high (what’s wrong with wanting sex five times a week … minimum). In my defense, as long as you catch your breath and stop cursing me or praying for my girlfriend’s sanity and vagina, I am also a firm believer in commitment and other forms of intimacy.
A healthy relationship begins with good communication and paying attention to all departments of a relationship equally. If you think that sex is not important, you will need to find someone with the same beliefs to facilitate the journey. Some of us long for a company that does not depend on sexual intimacy. In the end, I don’t think there is a wrong or right way to be with someone, if there is safe and open communication, trust and both partners are looking for a happy and healthy relationship.
However, if you and your partner are at opposite ends of the desire scale, here are some helpful tips:
- Clearly communicate who you are and what you want (for example, how much sex do you want or how often).
- Be aware of the feelings of others and talk openly about how you feel. Usually and naturally, a partner who has a high desire will feel demanding, exposed, and deprived of physical intimacy, while a person with little desire may feel resentful of the demands, inadequate, and guilty for holding back on sex.
- Do not miss. As you negotiate with your partner about needs and wants, hold on to who you are and your integrity.
- Don’t expect your partner to take responsibility for your feelings, be responsible for your own feelings, and learn to stay calm and calm.
- Differences in sex roles and intimacy are a life-long process that allows the development of who we are and our relationship with others.
- Learning and effectively communicating who you are and your needs could be the key to rekindling desire and passion.
- No one in a relationship gets away with it all the time.
- Sexual desire doesn’t have to be something you wait to build up to respond with sexual contact; all you need is to be willing to be sexual.
- Maintain or increase the passion in your relationship: exercise your libido (eg, masturbating); having getaways, bathing and showering together, having sex in different places, breaking the routine, giving massages, remembering how special they are, having date nights, spending time apart (so they can miss each other), having relationships – outside of sessions, be it romantics (buy flowers), write poems or letters to each other, meet somewhere and pretend you are strangers, talk about your sexual fantasies and take risks together.
- Be an active participant in your relationship, keep in mind that you don’t just become part of the stage.
Relationships evolve and change as we do throughout our journey in this life, no matter what decisions you make with your partner, you will have to re-evaluate those decisions very often and change what is not working. The art of love is a constant movement that requires and tests our patience, understanding of ourselves and of others.
There was a time when I would have said that this is all too much work, and I really like the passion stage, having all the sex I can handle, and that I’m better off on my own. However, little by little I am learning that intimacy has many forms and that with negotiation, resistance and difficulties, passion can be even more exciting after having crossed the obstacles of life with someone I love, and that is only the beginning.
Alex Karydi – The Lesbian Guru