Many wives are very surprised when they are separated or living alone. While many knew that their marriage was struggling, many did not realize that her husband was looking for an alternative place to live. Most of the time, he didn’t even tell them that he was considering it, much less that he would actively pursue it.

So wives in this situation are often shocked, frustrated, and scared. You could say, “I can’t claim that I had no idea that I could ever be separated. But I thought I had time. I thought, God forbid, if my husband wanted to leave, he would at least let me know before he did. I never saw him looking at the newspaper looking for an apartment. He never told me he was going to have to do everything alone. One day I came home from work and found the nice closet very empty. I texted him and he replied that he had moved out and he doesn’t understand why I’m so shocked. Well, I think it goes without saying that I’m shocked because he acted without having any discussion at all. I think it’s unfair to expect them to consult me. And I don’t know where I’m going from here. I have no idea if he signed a lease or what I should expect from him. Is this common? Husbands just move in without arguing? “

Some do. I wouldn’t call it common. But it is certainly not completely uncommon. I will discuss some possible reasons why your husband may not have consulted you on this, and where you might consider going from here.

He may not have wanted you to get angry or try to dissuade him: Most of the time, when a husband moves in without arguing, he does so because he intended to avoid an argument. Maybe he was afraid of the debate or didn’t want you to try to dissuade him. Perhaps he wanted to make a dramatic statement and was afraid this would lose its impact if discussed in advance. Whatever the reason, you probably can’t change your decision now, which brings me to the next point.

Where to go from hereUnless your husband has not signed a lease or compromised, there won’t be much you can do to get him home without breaking the lease or suffering a financial loss. These two things can keep you clinging to your new place, even if you eventually realize that you acted too quickly.

The point I’m trying to make is that sometimes it becomes obvious that there is no immediate way back from this. If this is the case, there is no point wasting your time trying to change your mind. If you can’t or don’t want to change this decision, then you have to live with what it is.

If it becomes clear that your life elsewhere is not going to change immediately, then the next goal is probably to set the tone for the future. Yes, this may mean that they are not living together at the moment, but it does not have to mean that they do not speak, do not see each other, or do not reconnect. Don’t let your anger and shock sabotage what might happen tomorrow.

If you want him and his marriage back, the real goal should be to reestablish regular communication that you can build on. I know this is a frightening and frustrating time. But sometimes living apart can have some benefit. You put problems on hold, give people perspective, and allow your spouse’s absence to help you miss them.

All of these things can work to your advantage. It is very easy to get angry and panic, but giving in to these feelings is almost never in your best interest. After I’ve been through this myself and turned out fine, the best advice I can give you is not to spend too much time thinking about the fact that she moved. This will only frustrate you both and alienate you. Understand when that ship has sailed and then focus on what follows. That is, forge a regular communication schedule so that they do not stray.

I know it sucks that I didn’t talk about this with you. But insisting on it is not likely to change you or do you any good at this point. You better put your energy where it can make a difference. And that focuses on tomorrow and not yesterday.