The effects of the father-daughter relationship on self-esteem: from first love to self-love
Can you remember the first boy you fell in love with? She closes her eyes and thinks of him, just for a minute. What was his name? How old were you? Where were they when they looked into each other’s eyes for the first time and held hands? Remember how it felt to be with him. When they were together, time stopped. Even when you were among a group of friends, you felt special because he was there. The mere thought of him was exhilarating. you felt alive
What a wonderful feeling! I will never forget the first boy I fell in love with. It was the summer I turned thirteen. I was riding my skateboard with my friend near her. That’s when I saw it. I was riding her bike when our paths literally crossed. I don’t know what made us all stop, but we did. It turned out that David didn’t live too far away and he soon developed a habit of riding his bike down my street, hoping to find me strolling outside my house or skateboarding through our neighborhood. David was turning sixteen at the end of that summer. It didn’t bother me that he was more mature than any other guy I’d liked. I was more worried about how my older brother would handle it since they were the same age.
Throughout that summer, David and I spent many days together. We talked for hours. He was different from most of the boys he knew. He was confident and knew how to handle a girl. What stands out the most in my mind was the way he made me feel when he put her arms around me. I remember that feeling like it happened yesterday. I was so young and yet so in love. Although David might have been the first boy I ever loved, he wasn’t the first man.
Think about the first man you fell in love with. Do you remember the first time he held you in his big strong arms? His kisses were so tender and his touch so soft. The warmth of his body against yours was very comforting. Sleep was easier when you felt so safe, so loved. You can remember? It was so long ago…
Let me help you here… you can’t remember how you felt because you were just a baby. The first man you loved was none other than your father. Imagine yourself as a baby. You came into this world needing warmth, nourishment, and human contact. Unless your father was absent the moment before you emerged from the womb, his arms were the first male arms to wrap around your little body. This was your first tactile experience with the opposite sex, and even though you were just a baby, the bond between you and your father began to develop.
According to attachment theory, extensively studied by Konrad Lorenz, the bond is a natural and biological certainty. We know for a fact that baby ducks, baby monkeys, and human babies are genetically programmed to bond immediately after birth and within the first few days of their lives. And their caregivers (mothers, fathers, caregivers) also become attached to these babies.
Unfortunately, not all babies have the same opportunity to become attached to their parents, simply because they were physically absent. Born into the world, never bonding with his father it can feel like there is a void in his life that he has been trying to fill ever since.
For a young woman, can the absence of her biological father unconsciously prompt her to find that missing link in other men? When her inner need to bond with him is not satisfied, can she still develop healthy relationships? Wouldn’t her mother’s powerful love be enough? Overwhelming questions whose answers no one knows for sure.
However, evidence backed by research and real-life stories in the first edition of “Father Effects: How Your Father Influenced Who You Are and Who You Love” indicates that without a father present in these early years The girls feel abandoned. hurt and rejected. As a result, her self-esteem is low, her self-esteem is dubious, and her relationship choices are all connected to finding men like her father (to heal wounds) or extremely opposite (to avoid repetition at all costs).
Even with the strongest mother figure(s), there seems to be a deep longing for the love of a man, a father figure they never had as little boys. Closer examination reveals that when a father’s presence is negative, a young woman is more likely to seek “love” in the arms of a man, whether he is good for her or not.
The father-daughter experience tells us that the desire to be loved by our parents is a deep emotional need that is rooted in our biological and psychological makeup. We feel connected to our parents because they co-created us. Shouldn’t they love us and want to be a part of our life just for that? And if not, if they hurt us or leave us, doesn’t it make sense for us to personalize it? I know I felt unloved and insecure when my father left. It took me years to realize that it wasn’t about me.
For many women, their father’s love was their first love. For others, it was her first disappointment. If her father was unable or unwilling to give her unconditional love, even if he was abusive, all is not lost. She does not need to feel that her low self-esteem will never improve and that she will never attract a loving partner because of her father’s inadequate parenting skills, poor judgment, and hurtful acts. You have the power to separate yourself from that experience and know that you deserve to be loved.
Your happiness and the success of your relationships depend on only one element; You – You and the power of your mind; You and the inner strength you possess to overcome your darkest moments and saddest pain.
From this day on, turn that need for your father’s love and approval inward and nurture your Being. Focus on your positive qualities. Embrace your loving heart. Let go of the past, you have been overwhelmed, saddened and affected for long enough. And once you’re in this process of self-healing and self-love, extend those feelings to those who would really appreciate it: your children, your friends, and even your favorite charity.