I’ve always loved the saying “People don’t drain because they fall into the water. They drain because they stay there.” We all know that person who is always in trouble. They are surrounded by chaos and all they do is complain about how terrible life is. It took me years to get to this point, but I say drown.

Many years ago I had a working relationship with a well-known psychologist who had worked with many A-level celebrities. She gave me the best advice. She realized that she was spending a lot of energy on this particular client. She asked me why she was working so hard. I told him they needed my help. She said yes, but you can’t work harder than your client. wow! Simple, but true. I, like so many other people, had the best of intentions. However, intentions do not help people. The actions yes.

Now, in both my personal and professional life, I work with the 3 times principle. If you come to me and ask me for help, and if I do my best in terms of creating a safe space, giving you advice, or just listening to you, and you haven’t taken any action, I will let you down. And it’s not because I don’t love you and I don’t want to help you, but you are clearly not ready to work.

We see this in the world of addiction recovery all the time. Just sit in any Al-Anon or other family support group that deals with addictions and watch this principle unfold. Sometimes, to save or reach someone, you have to let them suffer. And while it’s painful to see family, friends, or clients suffer, we can’t work harder than they do.

I don’t think any of us want to turn our backs on someone who is hurting. But, there comes a point where all your efforts fall on deaf ears. If someone is sincerely trying, then yes, match your intensity to solve this problem. On the other hand, if they are left in an unhealthy situation, cut the rope and offer prayers. But keep going.

I’m not talking about someone who is battling cancer and not getting better. I am talking about the person who continues to return to the abusive relationship, after their entire support system has exhausted all of their energy and resources to help them. I’m talking about the friend who is on his third DUI and is calling you to bail him out, despite not paying you, let alone going to rehab, for the last one. I am referring to that friend who is always broke, but who lives far beyond his means and asks you for money to maintain his utilities.

Having limits does not make you a bad person. It doesn’t make you a bad person to say no. Think in terms of the 3 principle. Because if they don’t understand the problem or haven’t tried to fix it, you’re an enabler and you’re not helping them. You know the whole “Give a man a fish and he’ll eat today. Teach him to fish and he’ll eat his whole life.”

Helping someone is a sacred act. Enabling someone is not. So the next time that friend who may be addicted to drama comes to you for help, and your first thought isn’t again? Put them down.