I am a fashionable boy. Always has been. I’m cheap AND trendy. How is that possible? I am lucky to have a body where clothes look good. I can often wear even cheap clothes and still look good, as long as the cheap clothes fit me. I wear clothes that look good but don’t cost an arm and a leg. This includes my underwear.

The underwear I’ve been wearing for years fits me well and looks good, but it’s getting old and worn. It’s time to buy new underwear. Unfortunately, the new version of my existing underwear has changed; I’ve tried two different sizes and they both suck and look bad. So, I’m getting dressier and considering switching to expensive designer men’s underwear, boxer briefs. In a cool camo pattern.

I was thinking of buying Calvin Klein boxer briefs. They weren’t cheap so I wanted to make sure of fit, comfort, etc. No, you can’t go to the department store, open a package of men’s underwear and try it on. Therefore, buying underwear is always a risk. And all too often, the brand you used for a decade has changed, is made in some country with cheap labor, doesn’t fit you, and is of a much lower and unacceptable quality. Trash. And useless.

And no, I don’t wear neat underwear and haven’t since high school. And I have tried several brands of briefs and none of them fit me well. I have madly spent hundreds of dollars with no success trying to find underwear that looks good AND fits me well.

I checked Amazon and they offered me the Calvin Klein brand and style. In my size. I zoomed in on the item and it seemed to be of good quality and the reviews said it was a good and precise fit. So far, so good. However, I couldn’t tell from the photo if they had a side or top opening in the pouch to facilitate urination. I definitely wanted that. I asked the Amazon “community” question and got an answer right away. “No, there is no opening in the front.” That? Without a front opening, how does a guy unbutton his pants and stick out his penis to pee? Is there no opening in the front of the underwear to do that? That means a man has to unbutton, unbutton, and unbutton his pants, drop his pants, and then drop his underwear just to pee. And, standing up, that is not convenient. Or fast. However, with the pants falling down around the ankles, it’s not good for balance. The other alternative is to do all of that and sit on the toilet and pee. Pee like a girl. Hey underwear makers, I don’t want to go through unzipping, unbuckling, unbuttoning my pants, and pulling my underwear down just to pee! And I CERTAINLY don’t want to do all that and then sit on the toilet and pee like a girl! When men only have to pee, real men pee standing up!

By taking away our front opening, men’s underwear designers are taking away our manhood! Men’s underwear designers are taking our masculinity and turning us into girls! When I have to pee, I just want to easily, quickly and safely pull my penis out through my fly and shoot towards the toilet! Standing. Like a man.

With that being the case, I am definitely not buying these Calvin Klein boxer briefs. What am I going to do for the underwear? I don’t know. Maybe go like a commando and wear no underwear at all. Yuck. Or maybe I’ll try the “It Depends” incontinence underwear and pee my pants.