A very common complaint among those who love someone with PTSD is that they can go from being warm and loving to cold and distant very quickly. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard someone say, “My boyfriend has PTSD and he rejected me.” How do you deal with loving someone who seemingly wants nothing to do with you most of the time? How do you stay sane?

Many PTSD relationships do not survive for a variety of reasons. Communication is always essential in any type of relationship, but when one partner has post-traumatic stress, there is added pressure on the relationship. One party may be unwilling or unable to communicate their needs when symptoms arise. They naturally withdraw and can become verbally abusive and distant. It’s not uncommon for someone suffering from PTSD symptoms to behave irrationally and go away for a few days. It is also normal to completely exclude family, relationships, and people who are trying to help them.

Cold and distant is a normal response for someone with post-traumatic stress. This disorder often deprives the sufferer of all emotion except anger, sadness, and numbness. There is very little you can do to help your loved one when this symptom arises. Not respecting their wishes to be alone and isolated will result in conflict, which will make everything worse. Of course you don’t want to leave the person you love alone, especially when they are suffering. That seems the opposite of love. Unfortunately, sometimes you have no choice. Someone who is withdrawing will only back away faster and harder from you if you chase them.

So what do you do when this symptom arises? You go and do the things that YOU want to do. You take a break. If this isn’t your first time, you know that the request or demand to be alone often comes from those with PTSD and can vary in duration. Sometimes they are apart for an afternoon, and sometimes it can be days before you hear from your loved one. With PTSD, there is no rhythm or reason, but there are patterns.

You have to take care of yourself first. If they are pushing you, go away. Make a list of all the things you like to do and when this symptom comes up, go and do the things on your list. Set aside a little cash for now, so you can go and enjoy yourself. Plan your alone time and do the things you like to do. This symptom will arise. It is unavoidable. It’s just apart of the clutter.

If you’re being pushed away, take a little time for yourself. It doesn’t mean that you don’t love or care about that person, or that they don’t love or care about you anymore. Don’t fall into the trap of blame. There is nothing you can do to help someone who wants space and distance. So, go and help yourself. When you take care of yourself first, it changes your perspective. It gives you some mental clarity and allows you to come back more refreshed and able to deal with the pressure of loving someone who has PTSD.