Your sifu just taught you secret techniques on how to use nunchucks like Bruce Lee in “Operation Dragon.” You still haven’t mastered it though because every time you flick the nunchaku from one armpit to the other in a quick, criss-cross motion, you somehow always end up hitting yourself on the ding-a-ling. “Yeah!”

It’s okay because next month you will learn how to use the Hanwei Dao sword. Arrest! Only for! I can not stand it anymore!! Have you ever thought that you will NEVER use these weapons in today’s real society? One, they are illegal. Two, they are extremely difficult to master. Three, you’re not going to take them with you without looking like a paranoid weirdo.

Here are the 3 most popular and totally useless ancient kung fu weapons:

Useless Ancient Weapon #1 – Nunchucks – Nunchucks are so difficult to master that it would take hours a day to handle them so you don’t end up hitting your head. On the lane, your opponent wouldn’t have to do much, he could just stand there and watch you repeatedly hit you in the head and groin until you get tired.

Solution: Modern Weapon Substitute #1 – Sticks and stones. You are looking for everyday objects that you can use to hit. rocks. Bricks. and sticks. In fact, any item you can pick up can be turned into a weapon.

Useless Ancient Weapon #2 – Eastern Swords – I feel silly even having to explain this to you. Still, imagine the noise his sword would make scraping against the hardwood floor of the post office as he walks in line to buy a stamp.

Solution: Modern Weapon Substitute #2 – A metal pen or car keys – A fine gold Cross pen (about $30), which is one of the sturdiest metal pens made, can easily serve the same purpose without getting arrested for carrying a concealed weapon. Car keys could serve the same purpose. The trick lies in how you hold these objects and how you would hit them if your life was in danger. If your life or safety is threatened, such as a would-be rapist trying to grab you, assuming you are a woman, you can hold the Cross pen or a long car key between your index finger and thumb. in the same way that you would hold a key to open a door and make a quick and unexpected stabbing movement in the eyes or throat of the assailant. (Note that this type of self-defense maneuver should be reserved only in a clear life-or-death survival situation.) in front of you in line, who brings 20 items to your shopping cart when the fast lane clearly says “7 items or less.”When you say weapon, by the very nature of the word we are talking about a very serious matter. Using a weapon is not to be taken lightly.

Useless Ancient Weapon #3 – Bo Staff – The most popular type of bo staff is called a rokushaku, which is a long wooden stick that is six feet long. Six feet long! How are you going to get that thing in a taxi?

Solution – Modern Weapon Substitute #3 – Reduce the length to approximately 12 inches. A very powerful weapon, when used correctly, is a tightly wound magazine. Eye-catching dots are at each end of the rolled up newspaper. If you strike with a flick upwards under the attacker’s chin, pushing his head back, in 99 out of 100 cases it will be a knockout blow.

While common everyday objects aren’t as romantic as, say, a sword, well, just find your sword and I’ll pick up my stone.