“MURDER? YES, DIVORCE, NEVER”

That was the answer Billy Graham’s wife reportedly gave to the question of whether she had ever considered divorce. I’ve been there too. Many times when she felt like throwing in the towel, she used to say that she would do something that we would all regret. But, every time, I’ve come out of it, my marriage sucks, not much War Room style, but in an optimistic and pragmatic way. Yes, I am realistic and pragmatic and I often hurt myself with the truth.

So as the story is told, Kano’s wife Ms. Emeka Nnatuanya burned her pregnant self and husband to death?

Who do we blame? The gods? The parents? The crime of the ancestors. Normally that is what traditional African religion and worldviews want to do to us. Spiritual manipulations. The belief is deeply ingrained in our culture.

But really, have you ever wondered about your mental stability, the combined effects of prenatal depression and mental torture and the pain of having a third party in your marriage, the ex of said husband whom you keep calling?

I have not come here to play the card of the victims or to distribute blame, but the wise also learn from the experience of other people. If you wanted to get something out of this story that comes out of Kano this week, let it be this: “BE CHARITABLE IN YOUR ACTIONS AND WORDS TO YOUR SPOUSE” and from this also flows the rule, “DISSOLVE ALL OLD ROMANTIC ALLIANCES”, and do not plan new away from home.

Some of us criticize the way their marriage started by saying that he married her at the mother’s request. That’s irrelevant to the fact that he agreed to marry her, not at gunpoint, I mean, who does it anyway, but in an adult manner. Even my 16 year old son faces me these days. I only suggest things that will be better for him in my opinion, but the choice is all his. I can only grimace and complain for a few days and I got over it. There are many ways to start a marriage. Sometimes it’s because you’ve “fallen madly in love,” and sometimes it’s because you need to settle down and found someone who met a good percentage of your criteria. Sometimes it’s because you got her pregnant and you don’t want the child to be called a bastard that you decide to make her an honorable woman, and sometimes it’s also to promote family alliances or a marriage of convenience. It is not based solely on feelings. That is simply not enough. Feelings change. And it will be absurd to say that since your feelings for each other have changed, the commitment is no longer binding. That is so wrong.

Once both spouses view their marriage as sacred and above their own personal wishes, they can put in the effort necessary to make it last. This is where grace comes in. In modern times, we are trying to dismiss the notion of God, but you know what? I will never subscribe to that point of view. That childish knowledge of a higher good and the principles of my religion will help me steer clear of mistakes, and that principle of chance will continue to flow into my life. So we all need God’s ‘amazing grace’ to live our lives as a couple correctly. Being able to subdue our selfish desires for the higher good, the family that is the foundation of society.

Through the years that I have been married, I have learned that marriage is an honorable vocation. It is not one of the contractual relationships in which you have the option to exit. It has a kind of permanence. That year my son was writing the common high school entry in one of the schools, I met this lady, an interesting one. It was full of worldly wisdom. I went through convent schools, married a Catholic, worked as a teacher, and got a job at one of the oil companies. I lost his touch, but his wisdom stuck with me. And by the way, if you ever read this Lisa, (guys and girls please help me share so she can read this) contact me on this Facebook. I still want to know you more. Then she said something that stuck in my mind. He had suitors to come, and his mother’s advice was this: If a Catholic and men of another faith come to ask for your hand in marriage, marry the Catholic. Your faith encourages the permanence of the marriage, and that’s true. Today we are importing the Walmart tradition into marriage, that is, if you don’t like it, give it back. But come on people, real love means discarding those childhood and fairy tale ideas and expectations and knowing that love thrives when you live it on the basis of COMMITMENT.

I once heard this story from a newly married woman. She kept noticing these calls from her husband’s ex and they usually came in late at night and when they were in bed. Yes, she looks at the screen to see the same name always, let’s call her, “Ezenwanyi”. She was suffering in private, especially when he picks up the phone and comes out to answer. She kept trying to be a good wife, until one day, he fell asleep once he hit the sheets and the intruder’s call came through. What you did may help someone, you just took the call, calmly said, yes, I know who you are, the ex. You have been making these calls intruding into our family life at this hour to put a wedge between us, but I must advise you to move on. This guy moved on when he decided to marry someone other than you and you’ll be wasting your time with a man I’m not going to let go of. Go find another man who loves you enough not to leave you and marry someone else. There was something out of World War III, but that’s a story for another human interest story. And really, after that day, if the “other woman” didn’t have a rethink, then she’s pretty dumb.

Infidelity hurts and can put one into a manic depressive state. And some people have a huge personality disorder that can lead to a boomerang that can lead families to misery. I mean, some people have literally jumped into the ponds, overdosed on drugs, poured acid on others for fatal love, and some have hired assassins to do their dirty deeds. We must not blame the dead. We do not know why she could deliberately burn herself, baby in the womb and husband and not the third. We do not know if absentmindedly and with numb pain, in a daze, she brought firewood to the flames, or if the pot remained lit in that pain and the fire destroyed everything, even a fuel can kept in a usual place. We no longer need to blame, but we must learn from this. REFUSES TO BE THE OTHER WOMAN.

Isabella Ubozor.