Sometimes I hear from wives who tell me they were hoping they were “done” with their husband’s affair. I often hear things like, “It’s been years since his affair and I’m still angry and hurt. I still can’t let him go. What’s wrong with me? Will I ever get over this?”
These frustrations are very common. Wives often get caught up in a cycle where they want and even hope to feel better or “get over it” but, for whatever reason, they just can’t. However, being stuck right now doesn’t automatically give you a life sentence of more of the same. You certainly deserve better. There are a few ways wives can move on. This often means figuring out exactly why you’re stuck, and then addressing those causes very directly. I will discuss more about this matter in the next article.
Worrying that your husband isn’t really sorry about the affair is a common reason for being stuck: Like I said, I often see common themes or problems in wives who haven’t been able to move on. A very common one is feeling that your husband is not remorseful or remorseful enough for the affair. I often hear wives say things like, “Sure, he’s sorry I caught him having an affair, but there’s no remorse for what he did. It’s almost like he blamed me and thought his actions were justified.”
However, I have to tell you that many times if you talk to the husband on the other side of this equation, you will get a completely different representation of the truth. Husbands will often say things like, “Yeah, of course I’m sorry about having an affair. I wish I could take it back, but I can’t. And how many times can a person apologize or say they’re sorry?” How many other ways are there to show your remorse? Am I going to say I’m sorry for the rest of my life because she gets old having to repeat you over and over again when she no longer believes a word I say? in any case.”
Obviously, the husband and wife have to meet somewhere in the middle so that both people feel that they are being heard. Sometimes the two people have been kicking around this topic for so long that it has almost become off limits because there is so much anger and resentment around it. However, sometimes you have to face it very directly so that it finally disappears. Sometimes she will have to explain things directly to her husband to make sure she gets what he needs. Of course, this is not always easy. But at least you’re getting what you need to keep going. Short-term discomfort is much better than continuing to live this way.
Many wives who are still angry about the affair years later feel resentful that there were no repercussions on the husband’s affair: I often hear wives say things like, “So basically you’re allowed to say you’re sorry for breaking your wedding vows and I’m supposed to move on as if nothing ever happened. My choice is to get a divorce (which I don’t want) or just pretending everything is fine when it’s not. He cheats on me and his life doesn’t really change. But now I have to live with this for a long time. How is this even remotely fair?” If I were the one having an affair, I definitely wouldn’t forgive myself, but when the tables are reversed, I have to forgive him.”
But, if you were to ask the husband about this, he would probably say something like, “She thinks I haven’t paid for what I’ve done, but trust me, I pay every day. I have to look her in the eye.” And I see disappointment and pain. That’s a life sentence. Every day, I can see how much I have disappointed and hurt her. Every day, I wake up knowing that she is going to look at me with hate. And every day, I know there’s nothing I can do about it because I deserve it.”
This is a difficult situation on many levels because the wife is absolutely justified in being angry. However, if these feelings continue for so long that no real healing is allowed to take place, both people will continue to pay dearly. At some point, this must come to a resolution so that both people do not continue to experience pain with no real end in sight.
Many times, the wife feels that it is fair for the husband to pay for what he did. And, I can certainly see this side of the argument. But often what the wife doesn’t see is that continuing to dwell on her negatives also hurts her and prevents her from moving on to a healthier place where she could finally be at peace.
Sometimes when people are still upset about an affair, it’s because no positive change has been made: Many times when I ask wives in this situation how much or what kind of progress has been made, they tell me that nothing has really changed. It is as if they are supposed to wake up one day and no longer be angry even though no improvements or changes have taken place. This may be too much to ask and many wives find this an impossible situation.
Husbands often need to be made to understand that if they can work with their wives to create a new and better marriage, then everyone will benefit from it. Yes, it will take a lot of work. Yes, it will take both people to change the way they have been doing things. Yes, it can be awkward at first. But it’s usually the only way to ensure that both parties don’t continually look back or live with the pain of the past.
Because honestly, the best way to let go of the pain and anger of an affair is to create a happy future where there’s really no need to look back. If both people can get to this place, the anger will usually begin to subside naturally.
