I will be honest. I hate Valentine’s Day with a real passion. I always have. I guess it started in grade school when all the kids exchanged valentines, you know, those little cards that say To: and From:
I rarely received one and never gave one away either. At that young and impressionable age, not to be getting Valentine’s cards, is it any wonder so many adults have relationship and self-esteem issues?
During my teenage years, there were the usual high school sweethearts walking the halls, holding hands, sharing lockers, spending every free moment together, rooting for each other in their separate extracurricular activities. Sure, I went out with some guys. Some really cute. But it never felt right.
As teenagers, we don’t know enough about the world, or about ourselves, to fully understand that it’s okay to be alone; we do not have to be constantly linked to another being to define ourselves as a person. Unfortunately, society has other ideas and too many young people are gullible enough to believe those ideas.
I spent my adolescence having received few valentines, although I wanted something, anything! When I turned nineteen and joined the army, all I wanted was someone to be with; someone for me
Years later, when I look back in reflection, I wonder why I loved someone so much. The answer I kept coming back to was that I hadn’t taken the time to really get to know myself.
In the army I met a fellow soldier. During those first few months, I really adored him and wanted to marry him. We went through a rough patch and he came back with an old girlfriend. My feelings for him began to fade, partly because we were in separate military posts and partly because I was finally beginning to learn about myself.
When his relationship soured, he came back and I accepted him. I found out that I still loved him and still wanted to marry him, but at the time, I would have married Hugh Heffner if he had asked me.
We got married and our relationship changed at that point. Four months later, our first Valentine’s Day as husband and wife found us simply exchanging token cards and growling at each other, despite the fact that she was pregnant with our first child.
Fast forward, three years and another child, and a woman, later, and we were divorced. He was so relieved! Sure, it hurt me to be replaced so easily, but by then I realized that she really didn’t want to be married to him or anyone.
Still, with each inevitable calendar step toward another Valentine’s Day, I found myself feeling depressed, hurt, sometimes angry, fed up. Why?, I would ask myself, why? Since my divorce, and several subsequent failed short-term relationships, I had determined that I preferred to be alone and that, because of the jealous, insanely neurotic, nervous person that I am, I needed to be alone and stay alone. I need solitude to sort through the constant chaos endlessly spinning in my mind, and having to worry about someone else and what they’re doing, well… no thanks.
So why do I hate Valentine’s Day so much? The answer is quite simple, really.
Society dictates that relationships are everything. If you are not with someone, you are nobody; You must not be worthy if you cannot achieve and/or maintain a relationship.
I am proof positive that it is not. But when I think back to my elementary school days when the other boys and girls would happily read each coveted valentine while I sat at my desk, alone and alone, and my high school days, watching sweethearts be sweet to each other yes and wishing for that too, the memories of how I felt during those times flood me again.
When we don’t get Valentine’s gifts, they make us feel like no one loves or cares about us. Even for a hermit like me, it feels good to know that maybe someone cares. But I don’t need a hastily bought gift or wilted flowers, or a generic card that a million women will also receive to let me know that someone cares about me.
And I certainly don’t want or expect anyone to dig into their pockets to remember that they love me for one day, but forget to let me know for the rest of the year.
When my animals lick my hand, and when my kids wrap their arms around my neck and hug me tight, everyday is Valentine’s Day and that’s all I need.
