Everyone wants to have a happy and successful relationship. We must remember that good relationships do not happen by chance; after all, we are not living in a fairy tale. We have to work on it.

Here are my top 10 keys to relationship success:

1. Communicate! Communicate! Communicate!

Don’t expect your partner to read your mind. We all know that men and women use different languages ​​– learn to speak your partner’s language. Learn to listen – God gave us two ears and one mouth. Eliminate distractions so you can focus on each other’s conversation.

2. Resolve conflicts or disagreements with respect

It’s a myth that happy couples never disagree. You are two unique people, of course you will think differently about things. Learn to resolve conflicts when you are calm and can think things through rationally. And always try to maintain the dignity and self-esteem of the other person. That means no name calling!

3. Have goals for your relationship

It’s always a good idea to set goals together as a couple, whether they’re 3-month, 6-month, 1-year, or 5-year goals. And don’t be intimidated by the word objective. All we are saying is that the two of you need to agree on what you want from your relationship or not. When you do this, it helps keep the two of you together with a common vision. To give you an example, your goal this year might be to have more fun together as a couple. And how you’ll do that is schedule two date nights each month and maybe take a fun class together, like a dance class. This is exactly what one of the couples I worked with did last year and they enjoyed it so much that they decided to go ahead and take their dance exams.

4. Stop keeping score

This is a problem. A successful relationship is one in which each party gives 100%, not 50-50. “I did this, so you must do that” is not a happy moment! Women are particularly good at keeping score and this can be very bad for our relationships because we give from a position of expectation instead of giving out of love.

5. Keep the romance alive

Get out of the habit of only dealing with mundane things like whether your phone bill has been paid or who needs to pick up the kids from ballet or soccer. Do you remember when you first fell in love? How did they talk for hours on end just looking at each other? Start flirting again – use SMS, email, phone, notes on pillows, etc. Have a specific date night at least once a month. Even if you just go to Wimpy for coffee, he’ll give you a chance to reconnect romantically.

6. Make sure the needs of others are met

Men and women have very different ideas of what is most important to them. I come across this in my coaching job all the time and it never ceases to amaze me. If you don’t know what your partner’s top five needs are, ask them! It will help you understand why they behave the way they do. Just to give you an idea of ​​how the needs differ, women generally rate safety in the top three while men generally rate sex in the top three!

7. Decide to be happy instead of right.

I know I’m going to step on my toes now, BUT you have to continually ask yourself, do I want to be happy or not? Please understand that I am not saying that you should become a doormat. But sometimes you have to ask yourself this really hard question. You may win the argument, but have you won in love? Learn to admit when you’re wrong and ask for forgiveness.

8. Focus on your partner’s strengths

Sometimes we forget why we fell in love. In my workshops and when I coach couples, one of the first things I have them do is write a list of the things they love about their partner. I do this because when we look away from the negatives, we begin to appreciate our partner’s unique gifts and characteristics. When you focus on what a good father your husband is, it’s hard to keep reminding yourself that he leaves the toilet seat up or forgets to change the toilet paper.

9. Make time for fun

Notice I said “make time.” You have to schedule it because if you wait until you have time to do fun things, you’ll be waiting forever! Take time to laugh at silly things, go see romantic comedies, leave silly notes in your lunch box, on your car, or on your pillow. My husband and I regularly flirt over email. It sounds like a small thing, but it really adds a lot of fun to the day.

10. Say “I love you” often.

Those three little words mean a lot. Don’t assume he/she knows so you don’t have to say it. Don’t worry, you won’t wear out words! In addition to saying it, think of other ways you can show your love. Nothing says I love you like a clean kitchen sink to me! (In fact, I was recently quoted in Shape magazine for saying that a clean kitchen means romance to me.)

The good news is that you don’t need him or her to be a willing participant to see a difference in your relationship. of course, is better if both decide to change their relationship for the better.

Remember, you can do it! Here is their amazing relationship!