Centering thought and behavior around another person is a sign of codependency. We react to something external, rather than our own internal signals. Addicts are also codependent. Their lives revolve around their addiction, whether it’s food, work, drugs, or sex.

Codependency derived from the term “co-alcoholic,” which originated in studies of relatives of substance addicts who interfered with recovery by allowing.

Family therapists discovered that her codependent behavior developed in her childhood growing up in a dysfunctional family. In the 1940s, the German psychoanalyst and humanist Karen Horney wrote about neurotic behavior caused by self-alienation. She described personality types that conform to codependency and believed that they were the result of faulty parenting and the “tyranny of the shoulds.”

The 12-step Codependents Anonymous (CoDA) program was founded in 1986 by Ken and Mary, two therapists who had grown up in abusive families.

Definitions

Codependency is considered a disorder in the American Psychiatric Association, due to the lack of consensus on a definition and empirical research. However, the Diagnostic Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders lists a dependent personality disorder, described as someone more passive, submissive, and dependent than most codependents. In 1989, experts at a National Conference came up with a suggested definition: “A pattern of painful reliance on compulsive behaviors and the approval of others in an attempt to find security, self-esteem, and identity.” Other definitions of experts in the field include:

* Melody Beattie: Allowing someone else’s behavior to affect you and becoming obsessed
about controlling that person’s behavior.
* Earnie Larsen: A decreased ability to initiate or participate in romantic relationships.
* Robert Subby: As a result of prolonged exposure to oppressive rules.
* John Bradshaw & Pia Melody: A symptom of abandonment – a loss of one’s inner reality and an addiction to outer reality.
* Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse: A brain disorder that leads codependents to seek relief from relaxing brain chemicals, which are released through compulsive behaviors, including addiction to work, substances, gambling, food, sex and/or relationships.
*Charles Whitfield: A disease of a lost personality.

Beattie and Larsen’s definition focuses on relationship behavior. I agree with Bradshaw, Melody, and Whitfield that codependency resides within us, whether or not we are in a relationship. I also agree with Wegscheider-Cruse that addicts are codependent and that relief is sought through substances, processes, and people. However, unlike Cruse, I believe that codependency is a learned behavior that is transgenerational. Other influences are cultural and religious prejudices. Although research shows that some adolescents had brain abnormalities even before they became addicted to drugs, their twins did not become addicted, so the full impact of genetic and organic causes remains unclear, particularly in view of plasticity of the brain in adolescence.

Core feelings and behavior
Codependent feelings and behaviors vary in degree on a continuum. Like illness and addiction, if left untreated symptoms become compulsive and worsen in stages over time.

Core sentiments include:

Basic behaviors include:

Core feelings and behaviors create other problems, such as people-pleasing, self-doubt, mistrust, perfectionism, high reactivity, empowerment, and obsessions. Codependents are often more in tune with other people’s needs and feelings than their own. To quell rejection anxiety, they try to fit in with others, while ignoring their own needs, wants, and feelings. As a result, they tend to lose their autonomy, particularly in intimate relationships. Over time, their self-esteem decreases due to self-alienation and/or allowing others to devalue them.

Codependents have varied personalities and symptoms differ in type and severity among them. They also have various attachment styles. Not everyone is a caregiver or even in a relationship. Some seek closeness, while others avoid it. Some are addicted, bully, selfish and needy, or they may seem independent and confident, but try to control or are controlled by a personal relationship or their addiction. Sometimes that relationship is with an addict or narcissist. A one-sided relationship or one marked by addiction or abuse is a sign of codependency. But not all codependent relationships are one-sided or abusive.

Recovery
Untreated codependency can lead to severe anxiety, depression, and health problems. There is help for recovery and change. Recovery goes through stages that normalize codependent symptoms. The goal of recovery is to become a fully functional adult who:

Find out. Get guidance and support. Codependent patterns are deeply ingrained habits that are difficult to identify and change on your own. An experienced third party is often needed to identify them and suggest alternative beliefs and responses. Therapy and 12-step meetings provide this. In recovery, you:

Self Help and Therapy
Codependency is highly recoverable, but it requires effort, courage, and the right treatment. A therapist should be knowledgeable about treating codependency, shame, and self-esteem, as well as be able to teach healthier behavioral and communication skills. Cognitive behavioral therapy is effective in increasing self-esteem and changing codependent thinking, feeling, and behavior. In some cases, trauma therapy is also indicated.

Recovery can be more anxiety-provoking, so it’s important to maintain a self-help support system, such as the Al-Anon or CoDA 12-step programs, to build self-esteem and become more assertive.

©Darlene Lancer 2019